This newsletter is a weekly (sometimes) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for December 17, 2021
The ethnic-people-making-ethnic-food ad for the Always Pan, a pan that is like so many other pans except it’s in Zillennial pastels and costs one hundred and twenty five dollars, is really starting to work on me, which should concern us all. Do I need a steaming basket? For anything? No, but if the pan is teal, I suppose I am legally bound to consider it. If only my pans were teal, I would be a better human being.
Saw someone invoke the expression “still, she rises” in an Instagram post about Erika Jayne’s new hair extension line.
My dad has started drinking (holding, really) gin & tonics and the other day he screamed, “When I come to New York, it’s gonna be Brexit every day, baby!!!!” He meant Hendrick’s.
Got a jUsT cIrCLiNG bAcK email forty minutes after the first nIcE tO e-MeEt YoU email.
Periodically people pay me somewhat exorbitant sums of money to give little speeches — I always think it’s kind of ludicrous, as if anyone really needs me to speak on anything at all, and as if the money I’m paid for those services is truly proportional. How could it be? I am a notorious idiot. On the other hand, two weeks ago I gave a speech about “radical self-kindness” over Zoom and in the chat box some jabroni named Matt talked about the Holocaust as a way to deflect from discussing white privilege, so, yes, I think my rate is perfectly fair.
I threw up on the street last month in front of the three meanest people I know, specifically two straight white men (one was my husband who started barfing at the sheer sight of me barfing, helpful, and the other a man who once told me that my emotional intensity “isn’t going to work here) and one gay man (who, at my wedding, told me I looked “bathed.”)
I have COVID and I gave it to, minimum, three people, which would be fine if it were the three people I most wanted to get COVID. (That one lady who pushed me at the post office, Elamin Abdul-something-or-other, and anyone still tweeting “don’t forget to drink water” in the middle of the fucking plague.)
Ben Affleck. What did I fucking tell you. None of you believed me, and here you all are, remembering that I am always right. You’re all so stupid.
Can’t say quarantine is going well: Yesterday, I said out loud to myself, “You know, you gotta give it to Homer Simpson because at least almost all of his sexual fantasies are about his own wife.”
Anyone who looked at the moon in the last six weeks. You are the reason why we’re all doomed.
Long time since we talked. I wrote about the five stages of grief when turning 30 during a pandemic, and reread Alice Sebold’s Lucky after Anthony Broadwater’s exoneration. Plus, here are BuzzFeed News’s picks for the best books of the year, and all the worst Christmas movies you can watch on Netflix this month.
A List Of People I Am Mad At, 12/17/21
Hope you recover fast and well ❤️❤️
I need this list more often. It helps me justify all the people I am mad at or permanently hate. Please carry on with this awesomeness.