A List Of People I Am Mad At, 1/22/21
This newsletter is a weekly list of people I am mad at. This is the list for January 22, 2021.
I have a runny nose (it would be nice to again live in a world where you can have a runny nose and your first thought isn’t, “Wait, am I dying?”) and I accidentally bought tissues infused with Vicks so now my nose is still running and my eyes are burning. A perfect product. Next, someone should make a kind of Tylenol that doesn’t really cure your pain but does make your anus go into prolapse.
I just discovered that my husband has been using my $25 microfiber hair towel wraps to mop sweat off his face after he Pelotons in the mornings.
Speaking of which, the other day he called this newsletter “just a list of things that happened in a week,” and for that, he makes an appearance twice.
I considered giving Ben Affleck a break since he’s in Dumpsville, but, alas, no. Ben Affleck. I will never forgive him.
I’m having an absolute meltdown over tweets saying that memes about Bernie Sanders being cold at the inauguration are tantamount to “elevating a white man instead of a woman of colour.” Please, I beg of you, allow yourself one single solitary day of joy in your life that is otherwise filled with nothing besides using the “#badass” tag on Twitter.
I keep getting Daily Harvest ads on YouTube and they really think I’m going to pay a few hundred dollars a year for smoothies (fruit graveyards) and flatbreads (depressed naan), all in order to be hungry all the time.
It is Aquarius season, and so naturally, the true villains of this list — and every list for the next four weeks — are Tauruses. If that upsets you, I am sure there’s a Cancer in your life willing to weep over it with you. (The exception to this rule is my friend’s son, whom I call Fig, but that’s only because Fig is a baby and being mad at a baby for its astrological sign is like being mad at a baby for its astrological sign. He has his whole life ahead of him to find ways to disappoint me, why force the issue now?)
Today is my dad’s birthday. Please enjoy this brief thread.