This newsletter is a weekly (rarely) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for January 27, 2023.
I like winter in New York because I get to play the game, Is That Sound Just My Radiator Or Is Someone Trying To Break Into My Apartment To Wear My Skull Like A Little Hat (I Have A Small Head, Sorry About That).
I thought the Prince Harry foreskin detail was a joke for like, 58 straight hours.
The last time I visited my mom, she walked into my room, saw me sitting up and alert in my bed, asked if I was asleep, and when I said, “No, obviously not,” she grabbed my towel, wiped toothpaste off her face onto it, and then dropped it on the floor and walked out of the room. She is a Capricorn.
My dad called last week to accuse me of stealing his leather jacket which he originally bought in the 80s and which, I cannot stress this enough, is several sizes too small for me.
Ben Affleck.
I realize I have only been on dating apps for a few months now but is there some kind of male affliction going around where if you tell a guy you’re a writer, he is, by law, obligated to tell you that he, too, is a writer? Statistically, it is not possible for there to be this many writers. Do they understand that such an admission makes me significantly less inclined to sleep with them? We can’t BOTH be mentally ill by vocation.
That said, I do think it’s really great that whenever I introduce myself to any men on a dating app, I start by saying hi, how are you, and he responds with his full therapy schedule and everything he’s learned in six months of CBT. What do I care, Todd. I just want you to buy me some crab rangoons.
My gynecologist told me I have an average cervix. Actually, it’s exceptional.
Since we talked, I profiled Steph Guthrie, the complainant in a landmark Twitter harassment case. Goodbye.
I needed this thank u
If Ben Affleck for some strange reason doesn't show up on this list some time (I count on it) - Scaachi, that is when I will worry about you.
Also: Godspeed on the dating apps, you brave soul.
PS I am a writer. You're surrounded.