A List Of People I Am Mad At, 4/15/22
This newsletter is a weekly (sometimes) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for April 15, 2022.
I was intimidated by this woman I saw one of my new friends hanging out with but then I saw that we have a bunch of other mutual friends so I guess she can't be that cool.
Ben Affleck. I think the ring is ugly.
A child has never done a school presentation about how I changed their life for the positive, maybe about how I showed them all that’s possible for their futures. All these diversity lectures promised me I would be a hero for little brown girls everywhere, but instead they just make fun of my name and shave their arms while calling me Govinda, which hurts, it does hurt.
WHY ARE GARBAGE CANS TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.
Unfortunately, I’m recently separated, but I’m also an idiot who writes about themselves for a living, which means I’m still getting emails from strangers about the stories I wrote about my wedding four years ago. “Hope you had a wonderful time!” one woman wrote to me just last week. None of my friends will let me write back, “You’re never going to guess what happened.”
No greater pleasure than going to see my hot ophthalmologist and getting to talk about whether there will be a draft. WW3 is so sexy!
I tweeted about being too depressed to make an actual meal and Padma Lakshmi replied telling me to bake a potato, which is nice, but not great for me, a person whose family monitors all of Padma Lakshmi’s goings on (as they do all famous brown people), so now, weeks later, I’m going to get a phone call asking me why I’m not eating and why I need Padma Lakshmi to tell me to bake an aloo.
I wonder if Andy Cohen knows that my depressive period was (is?) being punctuated by watching Watch What Happens Live clips on YouTube, so now the sound of him at the end of those clips saying, “Subscribe here. See ya!!!” is becoming my Pavlovian bell to take my nightly Zoloft.
If I don’t reply to your email and you send another one 23 hours later that just says, “Bump ;)” I will kill you.
Thinking a lot about how my niece, at seven, was told about sex, and that she turned to her mother and screamed, “Why would you do that?” She’s right. Why WOULD we do that????
I got some chips at our LA office before realizing they were made out of beans. This is why this place gets earthquakes.
Irish goodbye a party all you want, no one wanted to talk to you anyway.
It’s been a long time. Since then, I wrote about how much Noom sucks and how much Deep Water sucks. Everything sucks.
What doesn’t suck is Scamfluencers, the podcast I launched with Sarah Hagi and Wondery earlier this week. It’s very good and made it to the top spot on the Apple charts. Popularity is quality, and everyone knows that.