A List Of People I Am Mad At, 4/16/21
This newsletter is a weekly (sometimes) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for April 16, 2021.
I browsed Fashion Nova all week because I wanted to find some new ways to feel bad about my body. Not enough eyelashes? That’s certainly a new one and I look forward to nursing this insecurity for the next six to 386 months.
Regrettably, I read something I wrote ten years ago while looking through my inbox and have been projectile vomiting ever since. The good thing is that in ten years from now, I definitely won’t be humiliated by anything I wrote in this phase of my life! Nope!! Everything I do is perfect except for anything I did at 20.
Earlier this week, I saw a photo on my phone and laughed, and then my husband asked what was so funny, and I said nothing, because it was literally nothing, and then he said, “What, you don’t want me to laugh too??” And I swear to fucking god, if my office doesn’t open back up the second I get my second vaccine, there will be a 5’7 corpse in my apartment that swears it’s 5’8.
Everyone I know who’s afraid of getting the Johnson & Johnson vaccine due to blood clots are the same people who take three birth control pills in one sitting (“I forgot!”) chased by a two cigarettes and a refusal to wear compression socks on an international flight.
Hey, you know what I just thought of, is that there are so many little interactions that I don’t remember having with other people but other people remember having with me? And some of them were unpleasant or bizarre?? And these are the stories that other people tell??? To other people???? At dinner parties and in groupchats????? And I just have to live with the endless possibilities of this????????
Please don’t rehab John Boehner to me. There are so many problems with him but the worst continues to be his refusal to accept what his last name actually is. It’s Boner! Grow up!!
STOP TEXTING ME ABOUT HOW BAD THE TOKYO 2020 CANADIAN UNIFORM IS. I know. I saw it. We love denim and it’s very embarrassing. Yes, I will probably buy some of it, but only because Canada has kept the border closed for so long that my homesickness is manifesting in me purchasing multiple “TORONTO IS HOME” hats and desperately wishing people would apologize to me when I bump into them. And don’t even fucking get me started on handball being an official Olympic sport; if it’s a game I had to play for six years in public elementary school, just getting balls WANGED at my tiny little egg head, it’s not the type of peak physical performance I want to celebrate.
Ooh, remember when everyone was pooping their pants about how Justin Trudeau sort of looks like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid? That was fun. Aaaaaanyway, there are still 52 boil advisories in Canada. What would Sebastian say about all this!!
Last week, I wrote about how the celebrity bloggers of the early 2000s — like Lainey Gossip and Perez Hilton — are trying to atone for their past work.