A List Of People I Am Mad At, 4/23/21
This newsletter is a weekly (sometimes) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for April 23, 2021.
When I first moved to the states, someone told me that Pedialyte — a brand I had never heard of before — was good for curing hangovers, but I misheard it as PediaSure, and so I bought that instead, and I have never forgiven myself since. Do you have any idea what happens to your body if you’re hungover from two bottles of wine, three shots, half a cigarette, and a few [REDACTED], and then you try to choke down a chocolate protein shake with an ominous giraffe on the bottle while breathing through 2:30 p.m. nausea at work?
Ben Affleck. I tried to watch Justice League. Lotta chin acting going on there.
Barry’s Bootcamp sent me an email about a new studio in Scarsdale, a place that, up until now, I believed to be in Arizona.
On Wednesday, I had recovered from my second Moderna shot, and New York got some strange weather. In the afternoon the sky darkened, and even though it was still warm out — fifteen degrees Celsius, the Americans among you can figure this out for yourselves — it started to hail. For two days I had been nauseous and tender from the shot; Wednesday was my first day upright. I went downstairs to the front door of my apartment building and stood under the awning, watching little beads of hail roll down the street, the rain trickling in, the hot air melting everything before it could really hit the ground. It felt like Calgary in July, when it always inexplicably hails, golf ball-sized ice hunks that kill the tulips my dad plans every year. On those days, it felt cozy and safe at home, and yet treacherous outside. I liked those days so much; I was always an anxious kid but watching the world get quiet and dark in the summer somehow calmed me. I liked the sound of the hail on our roof. It felt like peace. I haven’t felt that in a long time. Canada has extended their border closure with the US, and god, what I would give to be able to cross the border this summer and feel Calgary’s hot hail again. Maybe this year I’ll get to. Maybe I’ll be lucky.
I keep eating theses spicy noodles that make my breath hot and then I have to do yoga in a mask and my hot breath fills my mask up and then goes into my eyes and then I start tearing up because I have spicy noodle breath in my eyeballs. Yes, I suppose I could stop eating the noodles. What are you, a lawyer??
The other day my dad called and told me he needed to talk to me about some of the side effects people who menstruate were experiencing after having both doses of either Pfizer or Moderna. When I asked him what the symptoms were, he refused to speak to me and stormed out of the room, because turns out the symptoms are out of sync periods, and despite the fact that HE BROUGHT IT UP TO ME, he is STILL so profoundly stressed out about the mere IDEA OF ME HAVING A PERIOD that he wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. I’m 30. I’ve been having a period for longer than Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. have been married. Grow up, Vijay.
I can’t believe I have to do my taxes instead of just writing “🎀 𝓂𝑒 𝒷𝒶𝒷𝓎 🎀 ” on a shoebox full of wrinkled receipts for Bulk Barn purchases.
I talked about the House Hippo this week. If you know, you know.