This newsletter is a weekly (sometimes) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for May 28, 2021.
You goddamn pieces of shit really made me Google — four times, just in case — whether Rivers Cuomo is related to Andrew Cuomo. Now my Google search history is fucked. HOW AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO THE GENIUS BAR?
I meant to send the groupchat a series of caps lock texts about a five year old article someone wrote about me that I recently reread for no reason at all, which enflamed me all over again like I’m still 25 and sitting in my apartment in Toronto while a certain Maclean’s columnist suggested I was committing a human rights violation by promoting affirmative action (????), but instead I accidentally sent them to my sister-in-law, who now definitively knows that I am insane.
Americans call it a “zip code.” It’s so unseemly, so hideous, so curt. What is wrong with these people, their obsessions with saying things wrong.
I told a friend I was thinking of getting Botox and she just nodded. Now I have to get a head transplant.
Weeks ago, I wrote about how Tauruses are the worst sign. Please consider this my first, most fulsome retraction: It’s not Tauruses. Though they’re in the bottom third of all the signs, the worst sign is very demonstrably Gemini. They have a nightmare combination of being two-faced, condescending, and punishingly anxious. I can’t believe workplaces are having conversations about whether they can ask their employees if they’re vaccinated when the real question should be, “Are there any fucking Geminis in here and can we put them on another floor?” On that note: Am I a Gemini rising? Excuse me, but you can’t just walk into my home and assault me like this. I have rights.
My dad called me the other day to neg me about one of my articles because he “guessed” that it wasn’t that well-read. He had no proof, no statistics. He just felt, in his bones, that no one read it. I DON’T WANT TO GET INTO THE WEEDS ABOUT WHETHER HE WAS RIGHT OR NOT.
When I was 13, I sent an email to a woman who wrote my then-favorite book, and this week, she found me on Instagram and messaged me because she remembered my email address from when I was 13. Do you know how many times I have had a nightmare about someone remembering anything I ever did in 2004? What am I even supposed to do with myself now? Is Face/Off a documentary because I am extremely interested in the technology.
Ben Affleck.
I got my period the same day as the Super Flower Blood Moon was in Sagittarius, and now Mercury is going into retrograde for a few weeks, and while I only understand about 15% of what I just wrote, I do think it means I am legally entitled to do one (1) murder, free of consequences. I know who it will be. If you work in government, please just give me the okay and we can be done with this right quick.
Gabbie Hanna next?
Take the article down about Trisha Paytas. Stop cause trauma to them.