A List Of People I Am Mad At, 7/15/22
This newsletter is a weekly (sometimes) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for July 15, 2022.
I am at my absolute brink with wireless earbuds. Not since the entirety of the diet industry has a product so utterly useless, so designed for failure been so wholly embraced by a user base that still hates the fucking product they’re buying at an unbearably steady clip. How many times can a single earbud tumble out of my head and precipitously close to a sewer grate, so close that I have to be thankful, as if it’s by design that this thing INTENDED TO STAY IN MY EAR seems to fall out DAILY. Or maybe I’m just cranky because the AirPods in particular seem to have been crafted by someone who does not have a normal ear canal; instead, their holes are shaped exactly like the top of a hard plastic sippy cup, its contours not so much hugging the curve of your ear so much as stabbing into it and giving you dry swimmer’s ear. Or, I don’t know, maybe the issue is that now I have to commit to remembering to charge ONE MORE FUCKING THING just so that I can trudge my way from my apartment to the “good” bodega a few blocks away without having to spend a single minute on god’s worthless earth thinking my own thoughts, uninterrupted by Big Sean muttering “lil’ bitch” into my ears. (That is, after all, if the charger itself is working, which it seems to sometimes not work at all, for whatever reason, perhaps because I angered the supermoon or whatever, followed up only by one of the buds itself not working, a perfect, seamless product design where half of the product can be defective.) Wireless earbuds all have ridiculous names and I’m supposed to say them out lout to the man at the earbud store and not choke on the words? You want me to call this stupid, shitty little device that will end up in a landfill in, I don’t know, three years “Elite 3??” WHAT ABOUT THIS IS ELITE? I’m listening to the audio of fights I secretly recorded and you want me to do it with a device called “Master & Dynamic???????” All I am ever trying to do is avoid spending any time with myself at all — no thoughts, just cacophonous sounds — and inexplicably, we’ve all decided to allow Apple to slowly but painfully put their dicks in our ears and tell us it’s what we preferred. Do you know how bad it has to be that I would opt for the indignity of getting tangled up in a headphone cord, tripping and yanking them out of my phone and having everyone hear that I’m just listening to “Hook” by Blues Traveler over and over again?? Do you have any idea how bad the alternative product has to be in order for me to prefer having people know that I even know what “Hook” is?????? Why can’t capitalism fix this one thing instead of what it usually does, which is make EVERYTHING SO MUCH WORSE.
There are more episodes of Scamfluencers for you to listen to, but your headphone choice is your own fucking problem.
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I have supported over 40 Indiegogo & Kickstarter campaigns… yet the highest percentage of said campaigns were for wireless earbuds i.e. PaMu, PaMu Scroll, NuFlo, AirLink, Vinci 2.0… etc.
Most of them were completed with a few campaigns that hit an iceberg and went down with no survivors. The ones that actually showed up in the post (mail) worked for a bit and then got dropped in one of my numerous boxes storing my bad decisions.
I honestly enjoy studio style headphones, it’s what I use for watching TV (no neighbors say my TV is loud) and for gaming. But they often tumble off my noggin if my posture slackens by a micro degree.
I purchased AirPod Pro back in January (just finished paying it off) they are cool, but they fall out every once in awhile and I have to go chasing it through my recliner’s nooks and crannies. The charging isn’t an issue as the case also charges wirelessly and I have said type chargers deployed across my apartment.
So in summation, I am a nerd who falls for baubles and gizmos that is foolishly expecting humanity to get something correct ever! ~fin
I have gone to every Quickie, Best Buy (RIP Future Shop) and Staples in the land to find "sport" headphones that plug in to an Android, like the freaking Amish. They all suck. But they suck less than wireless and you can use them right out of the box. What a world