This newsletter is a weekly (sometimes) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for July 16, 2021.
The cute pet raccoon influencer Instagram account recently got dark because the raccoon got sick and now he is dead. I just wanted to start this week’s list on a good note.
Ben Affleck.
Did anyone else have an intimidating, mean, cool white girl in the 7th grade who showed up to class sucking on one of those lollipops that has a scorpion in it? I think about her every day, and I assume she’s now running a multi-million dollar pots and pans company called, like, FOOD BITCH or whatever.
What if New York City redirected some of their $5 billion police budget towards a public education campaign to teach New York City police to wear their fucking masks on the subways, which remain woefully underfunded because SOMEONE needed another TANK.
There are a few people I'm vaguely friendly with but whom I never invite out to have a drink, one on one or even in a small group, but it recently occurred to me that those people also don't ask ME to go have a drink, one on one or even in a small group, and I'm starting to wonder why. Like it's one thing for me to not invite them but why aren't they inviting me?? I'm fun!! Don't they know I'm fun?? WHY DON’T THEY THINK I’M FUN. DO YOU THINK IT’S THE SCREAMING.
A man wiggled his fingers at me to try my attention this morning, as if I’m a bird or a fish. I’m just upset that it worked.
The good news is the Dominican guy who works at my fish place thinks I’m Dominican too so he gives me fish on the cheap. The bad news is I do not have a plan for the next time he speaks to me in Spanish.
Don’t you think it’s crazy that one day, someone was walking by a bunch of dirt and they saw a little green tuft sticking out of it, so they yanked on it and pulled out a long, wretched-looking, hairy orange root, and then they….ate the root??? Carrots are fucking wild, man. We put them in cakes! CAKES!!!!!
Well, the fucking moon is at it again, this time it’s wobbling so hard that it’s causing increased high-tide flooding. I know I have advocated for this before (quite recently, actually), because my hatred for space is well documented, but I think we should shoot the moon out of the sky. Just once, we should try it out. Sure, I’ve heard from some “scientists” that the moon is “important” and that “destroying it” would be “an absolute catastrophe” and that the real culprit is whoever lit the ocean on fire the other day, or maybe people who still use plastic bags and straws, honestly it’s anyone’s game. But I also feel like the moon is laughing at me, and I don’t care for that. Aim and fire, ding-dongs. It’s time. We’ve never even tried this before, who’s to say that it won’t solve all of our problems? What if shooting the moon down will have some kind of positive butterfly effect where it lands on Earth gently, in little pieces, and it turns out to be edible, and it cures world hunger? It is time for us as a people to consume the moon.
I almost used an emoji in a tweet. God, that’s sick. This is why no one wants to hang out with me.
This stupid newsletter got a nice little blurb in New York Magazine last week courtesy of my internet-writing mommy (and probably yours), Heather Havrilesky. Things have steadily gone downhill since.
I’m so mad AT MYSELF that it took me this long to discover this newsletter. Number 5 has me FUMING.
perfect list