This newsletter is a weekly (sometimes) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for August 20, 2021
I can't believe I’m saying this but one of the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever had was at the Miami International Airport Terminal D Wendy's.
Can someone in Canada vote for me while I’m stuck abroad, preferably in the exact same way that I would do it: by walking into the voting booth and screaming “DO YOU THINK I HAVE THE FUCKING ENERGY FOR THIS” until a Radio-Canada host calmly walks me to that fountain in downtown Toronto that’s just a bunch of cast-iron dog sculptures barfing water streams. It is the only place that gives me peace.
Ben Affleck. You think it’s all going to work out this time. You’re being naive.
Not only did Isaac “Fitzie” Fitzgerald make me cry the other day while he took me on one of those walks he does to satiate the Substack gods who now hold his penis in a glass jar until he reaches one million subscribers, he also keeps high-fiving me. Everywhere we go, he wants to high-five, and for every reason; the other day he made me high-five him because I said I switched anti-depressants. We are in our 30s! Why is he making me do this??
Do you know how many times I open the fridge in a given week and say, "Treat for baby?" IT'S NOT ZERO.
Speaking of Miami, when I was there last week, our bartender took his mask off while making our drinks to loudly proclaim that he would not be getting the vaccine. He said it’s because it’s everyone’s “personal responsibility” to “take care of themselves” and that he knows better because he’s “dating a doctor,” which is a little bit like me saying I know how to do heart surgery because my niece used to watch a lot of Doc McStuffins and owned a plastic stethoscope in the shape of a star.
Pleased though I may be that the latest guy stepped down, I can’t believe how many of you care so deeply about the host of Jeopardy. This is just such a confusing country. One day, we’re discussing the ethics of whomever hosts a trivia game show on television, and the next, an oral surgeon sitting next to me at a bar is telling me that he won’t get the vaccine because it’s what the Nazis would’ve wanted.
I can’t believe I have to take anyone named “Sebastian” seriously.
The other day, my friend Matthew “Baby Braga” Braga said the words, “Ketamine is just weed for horse girls.” I can’t stop thinking about it, and now, neither can you.
A lot of bleakness in the world, as is its increasing norm. If you’d like to donate some money to Haiti, you can find some (non-Red Cross) places here. If you’re looking for ways to help people in Afghanistan, this link might help. If you want to distract yourself for a little while, you can read my sprawling profile of YouTuber Trisha Paytas, which started fine but ended with them calling me a “conniving snake rat face.” If that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will.
Your profile of Trisha Paytas made my head explode. In a good, curious way that left me unable to do much other than stare blankly into space for at least 30 minutes. Well done!