A List Of People I Am Mad At, 9/23/22

This newsletter is a weekly (sometimes) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for September 23, 2022.

1. Kids who grew up eating nothing but buttered noodles became weak adults. This is why it takes some of you two weeks of psyching yourself up just to call the hairdresser.

2. I visited my parents earlier this month and my dad kept getting mad at my brother’s dog for not (and this is a rough translation from Kashmiri), “folding his tail over his anus, appropriately.”

3. Twenty eight minutes into my trip home, my dad asked if I could perhaps leave sooner.

4. Your new woke boyfriend used to go out with me and he once lectured me for being a fraudulent feminist because I liked the last Kendrick record, anyway, best of luck with him.

5. I think it’s nice that Serena Williams did all these interviews about how hard work pays off and that anything can be achieved if you put your mind to it. I am here to tell you that what she said is a lie. You cannot play tennis. You can barely do anything at all. You can’t even remember to clean your emotional support water bottle. She is lying to you because she is polite. You can’t do it. Don’t try. Aim small and be pleased with the little progress you make.

6. My dad keeps saying “that’s quite sick” to everything he likes and it’s affecting my mental health.

7. He also kept confusing BTS’s Suga with Suge Knight and kept calling Jungkook “John Cooke.” Noted Korean pop star John Cooke.

8. It is so embarrassing to be allergic to kale because an hour after eating a salad, I’ll be releasing my soul into a toilet and thinking, “This? For KALE?????”

9. YOU’RE telling ME that a MAN who looks like a RECEPTACLE for TEMPORARY TATTOOS that were TOO LAME FOR A ROLLER RINK GUM BALL MACHINE and whose VOICE sounds like a BROKEN THEREMIN actually SUCKS???? NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!

Since we last talked, the Queen died, which I do not care about.