This newsletter is a weekly (sometimes) list of people I am mad at. This is the list for September 24, 2021.
According to the Gregorian calendar, I am thirty years old (jury’s out on the Coptic calendar which I hope will give me better results), and I still don’t know how you’re supposed to wash mushrooms. Water? One of those stiff bristle brushes that my friends who charge crystals under the moon all have? Do I accept my fate and just eat the dirt? This is not an invitation to tell me how to clean mushrooms, I have accepted that I must simply never eat a vegetable again, which is fine by me. Any food that isn’t covered in orange powder and served in an electric blue bag isn’t worth eating anyway.
I know there are people in the world who have sex even thought their dog is watching. I know those people exist. I just think they should be in jail.
My dad is mad at me because I won’t loan him money. It’s not that I’m unwilling, it’s just that he doesn’t actually need it — he likes asking me and my brother for money “to see if you two actually have it.”
I have decided to stop using Twitter for the time being for anything other than linking my stupid little articles, but now I don’t know how to tell people my most pressing thoughts like, “When male cats are neutered, do they still have an empty testicle sack?” and “I can’t believe we’re letting someone named ‘Gerry Butts’ tell us literally anything about the election.”
I’m not fucking doing the banana clip again. I get it: what’s old is new again, and I am but another aging millennial taking my place in the endless fashion loop. But seeing hot teens dress like art teachers from 1993 makes me want to dive directly into the earth’s core.
I need to talk to whomever did the casting for the upcoming Mario movie. Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong feels like someone’s sertraline-induced night-terror come to life, and letting a bottom-five Chris be Mario is making me come around to the idea that racism against Italians remains our greatest societal evil.
I guess I’m just upset because I think my head is too small for my body and the banana clip really highlights that.
Ben Affleck. Fool me once. FOOL ME ONCE.
Have a nice weekend, or don’t, I don’t care, we don’t know each other and I don’t really think about you in my off hours. Here’s a great photo of me to send you off:
Male cats still have an empty ball sack, can attest as my kitten was neutered recently and it looks like the vet shaved his balls. but they’re still BALLS. Just empty.
I hope.
Honestly this regular list is better than anything Twitter can offer.