A List Of People I Am Mad At, 12/30/20

This newsletter is a weekly list of people I am mad at. This is the list for December 30, 2020.

1. Everyone who watched Succession and kept saying they were a Kendall or a Roman or a whatever else. You are nothing. You are no one. At best, you are one of the opulent light fixtures at the castle where Shiv had her wedding, and that’s only if you’re particularly beautiful and uniquely useless. These people are the same ones who argued about whether they were a Carrie or a Charlotte. You were neither. You were a dried out orange peel in a long-forgotten cosmopolitan. Yes, I have just started watching Succession about two years too late. (I’m actually Shiv’s refusal to wear a color other than one that matches her own skin.)

2. Nine months ago I wrote one (1) story about weed and now every two days I get emails from moms in Massachusetts who need a dealer and want me to help them find one. 

3. I do not like the Chelsea boot. 

4. I used to have a crush on this extremely cute boy who hung around my neighbourhood in Toronto and he once bailed on hanging out with me three times in a row because he was “auditioning for Dune and [he] needed to concentrate on [his] lines.” I’m not entirely sure this was the truth but regardless: Imagine passing up a chance for 18-year-old me to lazily grind on your honk in order to lose the role of Cheekbone Haver to Tambolay Chatterthree. 

5. Ben Affleck. 

6. Myself, because I didn’t realize that “faking being Spanish” was even an option for swarthy but fair-skinned women with mysterious first names. My life could’ve been so different. 

It’s the end of the year. This is my favourite (in this house, we use Canadian spelling) thing I wrote in 2020. See you next year.