Here's What Happens In Jennifer Lopez's Movie, This Is Me...Now

Perhaps this synopsis will help?

I got sick last weekend so I watched This Is Me…Now twice and I just wanted you to know what happened in it. This is just a very factual synopsis of what happens in this movie, from beginning to end. I am not making any jokes.

First, Jennifer Lopez tells a Puerto Rican fable about a pair of star-crossed lovers who are kept apart and then turned into a red flower and a humming bird respectively. The hummingbird spends the rest of its life fucking around these flowers, trying to find its true love, and Jennifer Lopez seems to find this romantic, I think. She’s the flower, which is kind of like the time a woman I knew wrote a song self-describing as a “beauty queen” but I don’t have time for that one right now.

Following this, for reasons that remain unclear, Jennifer Lopez is on a motorcycle on a frozen lake in a CGI wasteland. The driver has the aura of Ben Affleck (ugh) but we never see his face. The bike hits something — ice, perhaps, why are they on ice? — and flips, hurtling the couple forward in a brutal crash.

So far, about six and a half minutes of this movie have elapsed. The whole project is sixty-six minutes. It is somehow timeless and endless. It goes on for…so long. You will never leave this prison designed by Jennifer Lopez and promoted by Amazon.

Okay, so now Jennifer Lopez is working in some kind of dystopian factory with no windows and several OSHA violations. She is dirty, like beautiful-person dirty, where there’s some dirt smeared on her arms but her titties are still sky-fuckin’-high. She dances around and sings a song about something or other, I don’t care, because the real issue is that the giant mechanical heart Jennifer Lopez and her group of backup dancers are protecting/feeding rose petals is starting to die! Something terrible has happened: people have stopped believing in Santa Claus and so his sleigh won’t run! It runs on Christmas spirit! Wait. That’s Elf. Okay, in this movie, Jennifer Lopez’s big mechanical heart is dying because it needs rose petals to keep going, petals which grow from the flowers of passion, I think? I’m honestly not sure and I don’t want to go back to check because I’ve already watched that movie twice and that’s three times too many.

Jennifer Lopez, the bravest and hottest of all the Mad Max cosplayers, climbs into the mechanical heart’s core with the very last red flower and feeds it one petal before everyone dies.

Nope, nevermind, it was a dream, and now Jennifer Lopez is sitting on a cream couch talking to her therapist who is being played by Fat Joe. Is it more believable that Jennifer Lopez has to defend some steampunk heart or that Fat Joe is her therapist?? I don’t know, man. She self-financed this.

Jennifer Lopez talks to Fat Joe about how he’s a Taurus and how she’s still looking for love. My friend Rosalind screamed, “SHE’S PROBABLY A TRIPLE LEO.” I am again too afraid to check.

Alright, now Jennifer Lopez is in a glass house (boy, that’s heavy-handed) watching a Freedom News-type anchor in a bad wig and a fake nose (more on that soon, against my will). Her weird boyfriend comes home wearing shibari ropes and no one seems to think they should have a conversation about that. He gets mad at her when she gives him a compliment so he punches cracks into their glass wall. Suddenly he is holding a bottle of amber-coloured liquor; this is to show that he is bad, because only bad people drink straight from a bottle. Then they dance while tethered to a rope; the producers are sure to mix the audio so the music itself is at a low hum. That way, you can hear the crack of Jennifer Lopez’s weird television boyfriend slapping her hard across the face. Crystal-clear. These are choices that people have made.

Eventually, she cuts their tether and runs off with her friend, uttering an actually perfect act breaker: “Fuck Libras.”

Okay, so now we’re in the sky: A bunch of famous people filmed their portions in different green screens and now they’ve been stitched together to create a “Zodiacal Council.” Post Malone is Leo. I think Keke Palmer was supposed to be Cancer? Jane Fonda is there, also, really playing the long game with Monster-in-Law. Oh, and, Sadhguru was also there, which is just…very complicated for me. I don’t even know what to do with that. Is he…friends with Jennifer Lopez? Did they meet over discussions of the lunar eclipse? Trevor Noah is also there.

Now Jennifer Lopez gets married to a circuit of three men, one of which is the squinty white twin from Dancing With the Stars (is that right? I’m not sure and I won’t check). They dance; this song is fun, actually! Oh no, nevermind, they’re in marriage counseling with Fat Joe. Why is Fat Joe the arbiter of a healthy marriage? (Okay, this one I take back. Fat Joe has been married since 1995. I’m divorced, just like Jennifer Lopez. What do we know?!)

So, Jennifer Lopez keeps dating a bunch of weirdos and creeps until her uncanny valley friends stage an intervention. They think she needs to spend a little time with herself. She yells at all of them. As someone who has done this, and will continue to do this, I don’t see anything wrong with this strategy.

Fat Joe fires Jennifer Lopez as a patient and sends her to a Love Addicts Anonymous meeting, where she does some amateur dance theatre in a school gym. She arrives with her dog, and I only note this because they include a scene of the dog running off somewhere while Jennifer Lopez and everyone else in the circle start dancing. For some reason, they thought it important to show us that the dog ran for cover before the contemporary jazz combos began.

Jennifer Lopez sits in front of a fire, dripping wet, burning all her old love letters. A hummingbird taps at the window. Do you get what’s happening here? It’s a metaphor.

At some point, Fat Joe takes Jennifer Lopez back as a therapist, where she talks about being invited to her ex’s wedding. He is referred to as “Mike, the cynic,” which is a normal way to refer to anyone, any one human person.

Jennifer Lopez tells Fat Joe about a dream she had where she returned to the Bronx and was gruesomely attacked by herself in child-form. The child is covered in cuts. She tenderly pets her inner child until she is healed. The entire set seems to be either lifted from rejected stills from The Polar Express or they were made by Nicki Minaj’s AI bot except the AI bot was sad that day. We go back to the Jennifer Lopez of the mechanical heart thing, and the flowers are blooming so the heart is working again. She dances some more. Jennifer Lopez goes to Mike, the cynic’s wedding alone, where she laughs too hard, like all her teeth are out, like HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR. Anyone there would probably be like: Yikes, did you see that Mike, the cynic’s ex-girlfriend Jennifer Lopez is here, alone, and she’s smiling like her jaw was wired to be wide open? She must be big mad.

The be-wigged news anchor from the glass house was Ben Affleck all along. That’s it, that’s the movie.